It’s been 4 weeks now since I miscarried our baby. The overwhelming, desperate ache has subsided, and only creeps in unexpectedly every once in a while. It’s nearly impossible right now to see friends who have due dates around the same time ours was, but I’ll be filled with joy for them, in time. Two weeks after this all happened we had baby dedications at church, and I’ve always photographed them. I was given the option to not do it this time, but I knew God was stirring me to still do it. And I’m so glad. During our season of infertility, photographing baby dedications was huge in my healing, and it was the same this time too. Our pastor reminded us that morning that while we are called to weep with those who weep, we are also called to rejoice with those who rejoice. Which is oftentimes the far more difficult choice.
There’s been so much good mixed in with the bad. I cried out to God to not allow my heart to grow bitter, and so many of you prayed like crazy for us specifically in this area. I wish I could hug each of you and thank you personally. God has been so faithful to keep my heart hidden in His. I pressed in to know the truth of who He is, and what His Word says about Him. I sang with tear filled eyes while alone during the day that “You’re a good, good Father…and I am loved by You…You are perfect in all your ways.” I read a quote recently, a pretty well known one by C.S. Lewis,
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
I can’t even convey the profound truth of this. The visions God has given me of our little girl, the dreams, the distinct and specific words He has given me. We need Him to shout in our pains. And I’m just glad that my heart was open and softened enough to receive His words of comfort.
I hope, desperately hope, that God can use my pain and loss for something beyond me. I want other women to know that it’s possible to come out on the other side stronger, with a softer heart toward the Lord. Do I remain confused and full of questions? Absolutely. Like I said before, my human, finite mind can’t comprehend why on earth this had to happen. I can’t comprehend why a mother has to say goodbye to her baby, ever. Ever. But I’m making the choice to trust that God is a good, good father. And profound comfort comes in making that choice.
Sharing a few pictures below of what the past month has looked like.